This blog is personal to me as I have never seen this quiet so clear as I have done today. I was raised to get on with things, told that life is hard, people can be cruel and we don't always get what we want so there's no point crying over it you just put on a brave face and keep going which is exactly what I have done. I have always believed that I cope with life ok and I have managed to get through every disappointment, death, betrayal, bullying, sacrifice, unfairness and health problem etc really well, and in the end all the tough times have later been appreciated as valuable opportunities to grow so they couldn't have done any real damage to me but that's just not true.
I was talking to a friend today about a terrible situation I have found myself in, how physically ill it has made me and that it has all been at the wicked hands of someone else. My friend said that I should talk about my mental health issues and as he has experienced mental heath issues himself that he might be a good person to share this with. I will be honest this set me back for a moment as I instantly felt defensive thinking its not my mental health that's the problem here its the other person who has the issues which is why they are behaving in this terrible manner with me. I am shaking my head as I type this because I know better, I've studied this, I could present a workshop right now on this topic but somehow I had convinced myself that I was coping even though I am ill. This goes against everything that I write about, the advice that I give and the work that I do so how has this happened?
Two cups of coffee and a great deal of pondering made me see that when I am in the thick of something 'bad' I don't fully admit to what is happening to me because of it and I definitely don't let anyone in because I fear that they will make it worse, that I will be given stupid advice that doesn't apply to how I feel or I will go around and round in circles trying to get them to understand my view and then just wish I had not begun the conversation in the first place, or even worse, I become a gossiping focus and then branded as somehow broken. I don't have a problem with other people having mental health issues but I just don't see me as a person who could have any because I keep pushing though and it goes totally unnoticed by everyone around me. On the flip side of this about 6 months ago I had a different friend say to me "well the thing is Gem you just breeze through life, nothing gets to you and life is just easy for you". I was pretty offended (even though I didn't let it show). I thought are you kidding me I've been through more stuff than you, probably 80% more bad stuff has happened to me, you just don't hear me bang on about it.
There are two views here to think about but it is pretty clear that you cant have it both ways. If you act like life's easy when its not you shouldn't be surprised when you get no support because people have no clue that there is anything going on for them to support you with. If you need help but you have concerns of the outcome from sharing you need to pick the right person to talk to for a start and if you don't have that person in your life there are always helplines who will listen - key word there being listen and not advise. To use me as an example I should just say at the beginning of my conversation that I don't want advice, I only want an ear to listen to me and obviously now thinking about it, no one would be thinking I was broken because I don't act broken ever so that's something in my head which I need to sort out, which by the way is easy to do because something will of happened in life that has planted that root so I could either figure it out and use a tool like Cognomovement to release it from my body or just decide that it doesn't serve me to think that way anymore and stop if I can.
I am all for being tough and pushing yourself onwards - you cant be brave or experience courage if you don't feel the fear and I am also not preaching that we all need somebody, though it is nice if you do have a special person but what I am saying is that if you are becoming physically ill from a person or a situation you do need to address it because you are not coping - I was not coping I was pretending to cope and my body was showing my mind that I was telling it lies. Weakness is lying to yourself, and let me tell you that everyone lies to themselves about something and if like me you have been lying to yourself about coping be grateful that this is an easy fix as you could be one of the people lying to themselves about their damaging behaviour not being damaging to others or a cheater fooling themselves that if they don't get caught there's no harm done or worse an abuser lying to themselves that the treatment was deserved.
I am not perfect. No amount of education makes you untouchable to human emotions and matters of the heart. We don't need to be perfect but we do need to be honest with ourselves. You are not being honest to others if you are not being honest to yourself.
Be strong, be brave, face yourself in the mirror and ask what do I lie to myself about and begin to work on making that change. No good comes from being the king of self foolery.